Growing up I always knew how I wanted my life to look.
I wanted a nice home and a beautiful family. Sadly, at that time, I couldn’t follow any examples around me. We didn’t have a harmonious home and my parents definitely didn’t love each other.
So, I did what any other kid in my situation would’ve done, I made TV shows my guide, my compass, my reference of normal… I decided that Hollywood will be my only standard of happiness, and just like that – before I could even ride a bike – I was infected by the white-picket-fence virus.
Perfection or bust! It was my favorite motto. I enjoyed playing the perfect little girl’s part. I loved the attention. It helped me create a distance from my dysfunctional family. I was committed to my role and decided to be a good student, a good sister, a good daughter and a good friend. I made sure to bring only pride and joy to the table. I really believed in the importance of my part, so at 6 years old I was very honored to proclaim myself as my parents joy’s keeper.
Now let me be clear before my mom stops talking to me forever… I grew up surrounded by love, I felt it from my parents and family everyday (I still do), but it was a fact that mom and dad didn’t get along. Separately they were great, fun and devoted, but together they were as pleasant as a minefield day trip. I never saw a knowing smile, an honest kiss or even an agreement! I remember spending many nights wishing for them to be normal and hoping that one day I could have a normal family… You know, perfect and problem free like the ones on TV.
That fantasy followed me way too long in life, even until I got married. At that moment it was the perfect opportunity to show my 20 years of training in full display (this sounds so funny now). It was my chance to conquer perfection and show the world how things were done.
Little did I know that I had just cast the wrong character for my own movie! My husband was (and still is) the most raw, impolite and straightforward character I’ve ever known. Marrying him was the most anti-romantic move I could’ve ever made. He says what he thinks and takes what he wants, he is disruptive and never apologizes for being himself. He was the worst decision to my crystal house idea.
It only took him hours to destroy my marriage vision, my idea of a relationship, you know like the ones you see in the movies. In the beginning, my long training as a perfection achiever helped me cover the trails of my obvious mistake but the hurricane was unavoidable and not even my long years of practice were able to prepare me for what was in my future.
Winter was coming, there was no place to hide. I realized that this new character was going to tear down my dream of perfection and I wasn’t going to take it. We fought, and fought and fought… Hours, days, months… I was ready to hold on for dear life.
And then, the inevitable happened, the castle went down and it took with it my childhood dreams.
But also took away something unexpected… It took away the fear, the stress, the unrealistic expectations, the image of that perfect little girl wanting to please others and desperately wanting to achieve the unachievable.
The ruins left me with realness, acceptance, compassion and love… real love! Nothing like the one you see in the movies. A love that is both beautiful and ugly, happy and sad, calm and chaotic, hopeful and uncertain, everything at the same time.
The ashes left me in front of a man that I admire like no other because he is the most raw, impolite and straightforward character I’ve ever known. A man who taught me to say what I think and take what I want, who taught me to be disruptive and to never apologize for being myself. He is my worst critic and best supporter, the person that annoys me and inspires me the most, the best dad I could’ve ever created for my kids.
My friend, my family, my love… My partner on this lifetime.
I’m grateful that you are part of my journey.
Happy 10th anniversary!